It's been over six months since we broke up, so I figured it was time to put the whole relationship into "historical" perspective.
Well, where to begin? An acquaintance turned intimate partner turned friend turned girlfriend turned heartbreak. That's pretty much the gist of it.
I've never been in love before, but Nancy is by far the person I've had the most feelings for. We pretty much set ourselves up for failure, committing ourselves to a relationship knowing full-well I'd be graduating and taking off within months. Despite that, the relationship ended amicably when that time came.
The mistake came in the aftermath, when we decided to continue seeing one another when emotions were still floating around. I'm not gonna dance around anything; I fucked up big time. I was under the (false) impression that, since we were broken up, it was as good as an open relationship. And in that time, I started seeing another girl. Out of honesty (a must if you're going to be intimate with someone), the first thing I did was tell Nancy about it. She was mad, disgusted, and told me she wanted to end anything beyond a friendship between us. Me, not emotionally ready to just let the last vestige of our relationship end like that, put up a fight. I, myself, got mad and pleaded for her to reconsider. She, in turn, took my attitude as a sign where she felt sex was the only thing that mattered to me about her, and somehow had been the principal agenda during our whole relationship. At that moment, everything the last 14 months had built up to was rendered worthless, Nancy deciding she didn't want anything to ever do with me again. The inside jokes? No longer funny. The memories? Tarnished. The feelings? Abandoned. The future? Squandered....
Interestingly enough, guys see my side of it, girls her side.
Guilt, anger, sadness, I was feeling it all. Regret, mostly. I was incredibly burdened over the next two months, especially during my sleep. Whereas some people have the issue of recurring dreams, I suffered the wrath of a recurring theme. That theme being Nancy and I patching things up. So every night for two months, I'd wake up in the middle of the night thinking Nancy and I were on good terms again. Sometimes she'd tell me she forgave me as I was picking her up at the bus stop. Other times she'd just cuddle up in my arms when I was over at Bev's house. This was always followed by grave disappointment as I'd realize I was still in SF.
I felt the sting everywhere. At Picnic Day, when I saw Nancy's sister with her boyfriend, what normally would have been fair greetings was instead a smorgasbord of disdain. Her friends as well had some dirty stares.
The complication arrives here: she and my best friend, Bev, became inseparable in the time we were going out. They're still good friends and will be living together next (school) year. As a result, it's been in my interest to try and maintain some semblance of acquaintanceship with Nancy. My attempts grew fruitless, managing only to push her further away. The last time we talked, she was despondently annoyed with me and just as much bitched me out.
So why I can't I just get over it? Don't I have ice water running through my veins?
Well, for two reasons. One is, of course, Bev. She's been caught in the middle of this whole mess, and since Nancy and I are two of the biggest people in her life, it would only make sense that everyone gets along. I'll be up in Davis for Bev's 21st, as well as helping her move in to her new apartment, so Nancy and I are going to cross paths for the first time since it all went to shit. I still don't know how I'm going to react.
Second, principle. If the person I've had the most feelings for is going to hate me for something, it damn well better be legitimate. Like maybe if I burned her house down or sodomized her dog, that's one thing, but some false perception that I only used her for sex will not suffice. I feel cheated, and it still bugs me out of principle in a Seinfeldian sort of way.
Speaking of which, I have all the episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm on my computer, and it's a fucking brilliant show.
So, where do I stand now?
The romantic feelings have, for the most part, subsided. I've been with other girls without Nancy crossing my mind, if that stands for anything. I just hate the way things ended, and that still bugs me. But it's going to have to stay that way. I'd have to be a fucking idiot to bring it out and push the idea on anyone.
The reality is that Nancy and I will never talk to one another in the future other than to be make polite conversation for the sake of the people around us. There's no point in pursuing anything beyond that. And while it'll bug a part of me, the whole thing isn't going to be more than a blip on the radar considering the scope of my entire life. And for that, I'm ready to tackle whatever else life has to deliver.